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Post subject: Re: The Life of Elegost ~ Lost Chapter Added ~ Updated 07/04  Posted: April 7th, 2007, 10:57 am |
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Joined: 03 July 2005
Posts: 9846
Location: city that never sleeps
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All right you asked for critique, so here it is 
First I'd like to mention that you are indeed a gifted writer. Not many writers I know have the patience to sit down, plot, and undergo the extensive character development/planning that you've obviously put into this story. Well done.
Another aspect are the characters. The friendship between Danny and Elegost is almost a universal theme, the kind of friendship you would see between two guys in the modern day yet with the epic sense that they'd die for the other any day. Your description of the other side characters are very enlightening, especially the way you portray the elves. The mutual respect between Elegost and the canon characters is also very credible.
Of the plot, you've incorporated yourself into Tolkien's world excellently. The eager young man going to train with the Dunedain has a certain ring to it, and potential as well if you decide to expand it further. As with any epic journey he has mentors, allies, and enemies to all nudge him along his way. I love your descriptions - reading your work is like looking through a window to another world, loyal to Middle-earth but with enough elements (including humor) thrown in to make it your own. Action scenes also nicely planned out and executed... I thoroughly enjoyed the orc battle.
An aspect I'd advise you on is the suddenness of the events. Some parts of the story could have been connected to flow better from scene to scene. Perhaps you could have elaborated on Elegost's father in your first chapter so that his family history doesn't seem so sudden? And perhaps they could have had some warning on the orc march as well? Also there is one place where the dialogue could be more gradual/split up.
Quote: “Elegost, I will start with you, as only appropriate. Your father, Eledost, was a Dûnedain. You will probably not remember him being there for you for long, which is because he fought in the north, in Eriador. He left your mother when you were but 3 years of age. He came back once; the last journey of Eledost Dûnadan. Alas, for he was called to fight in Osgilliath, and there met his demise. However, he did fall as a hero, and one to be remembered. He fell fighting a Nazgûl, a wicked servant of Sauron. However, his blade was recovered and brought back to the city, in a hope that one day, you would inherit it, and continue the legacy.” explained DaeTirion. As he said this, Elegost found himself once more attracted to the sword on the wall. DaeTirion followed his gaze and smiled. “Yes, Elegost, that is your sword. He is ‘Glanorthim’, Shadow-cleaver. Handed down by generations, forged by the dwarven smiths of Nogrod, away back in the First Age of this world.” said DaeTirion matter-of-factly. For a moment, Elegost saw a nostalgic look in his eyes. It quickly faded though. “You, if you wish, can come with me, and train with the Dûnedain in the north; or, you can stay and waste away in this city.” He said with a clearly bias tone. At that, Berethor made to say something for the first time, but thought better of it. “And as for you Danny, it is merely a gesture to invite you as well, as you are such a good friend of Elegost. That is, if he accepts?”
This is a crucial juncture in the plot, and Elegost's reaction to this family history he knew little about can be elaborated to greater detail. Natually he'd be curious, pressing Dae for more information. He seems to have assimilated this sudden news too quickly. Some introspection along the road may be helpful as well - how he feels about going from boring life in the city to suddenly meeting these great heroes.
Above all, you've put fantastic effort into this. Keep writing _________________ 
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Post subject: Posted: April 7th, 2007, 1:31 pm |
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Joined: 02 January 2006
Posts: 5728
Location: Mithlond
Country: 
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I had a cameo. I feel honoured, now. And I got to kick you, too. That's even better than just a cameo. It was very well written, though, Ellie.  _________________ 
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Post subject: Posted: April 8th, 2007, 9:04 am |
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Joined: 06 January 2007
Posts: 413
Location: Hamburg, Germany
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Wow! At last we know what happened to Londrandir!
About critic. I already said that I like the story etc. but I think that the name "Danny" is completely un-LotR-like. I don't think it fits very well to the rest...
But I like the new part of the story _________________ ><>Son of God, brother of Jesus. I've got the best family I could have imagined! Saved by his mercy and love. What else could I wish for?<><
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Post subject: Posted: April 9th, 2007, 5:21 am |
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Joined: 16 February 2006
Posts: 9843
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Gender: Female
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Haha, good old Danny, eh?  Gotta love his un-LotRish persona.
Another good update though. You're getting back in to it now I see, which is always good.  _________________
"Without music, life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come."
Fwee!
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Post subject: Posted: April 9th, 2007, 9:13 am |
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Joined: 16 February 2006
Posts: 9843
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Gender: Female
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Ooo, very good. Hehe, this is all rather exciting. I like the last line, it's very powerful and creates a strong image. You can just imagine Aragorn doing that, in his kindly but firm manner. Excellent, I shall eagerly await the next update. _________________
"Without music, life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come."
Fwee!
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Post subject: Posted: April 9th, 2007, 3:09 pm |
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Joined: 02 January 2006
Posts: 5728
Location: Mithlond
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Lol. I get to meet Beorn now. How cool is that?  _________________
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Post subject: Posted: April 14th, 2007, 4:53 pm |
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Joined: 16 February 2006
Posts: 9843
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Quote: "...turning it into a well timed rugby-tackle into his foe.
D'you think they'd have had rugby in ME?
I like the fight description though, fast paced but still understandable to the reader. Hehe, I'm getting in to this. _________________
"Without music, life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come."
Fwee!
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Post subject: Posted: April 14th, 2007, 5:00 pm |
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Joined: 16 February 2006
Posts: 9843
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Ahh, of course. Je comprends.  Just checkin', making sure you weren't asleep. _________________
"Without music, life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come."
Fwee!
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Post subject: Posted: April 15th, 2007, 5:50 pm |
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Joined: 03 July 2005
Posts: 9846
Location: city that never sleeps
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Very nice, you've improved on the descriptions. Do you plan on bringing in a main plot when they arrive at the Dunedains or is the reaching the Dunedains part the plot?
_________________
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Post subject: Posted: April 16th, 2007, 2:48 pm |
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Joined: 06 January 2007
Posts: 413
Location: Hamburg, Germany
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Still a lot of work to do so keep goin' _________________ ><>Son of God, brother of Jesus. I've got the best family I could have imagined! Saved by his mercy and love. What else could I wish for?<><
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Post subject: Posted: May 1st, 2007, 4:05 pm |
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Joined: 16 February 2006
Posts: 9843
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I like it, lots of good description. And seeing Danny in amongst all of the LotR-related names still makes me laugh, bless him. It's coming along really well though, you've done great sticking at it, some people would have got fed up of writing it by now. *Coughs* _________________
"Without music, life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come."
Fwee!
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