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| recent poems (critique welcome) http://arwen-undomiel.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=48&t=10599 |
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| Author: | Lady Dark Moon [ August 23rd, 2006, 7:14 pm ] |
| Post subject: | recent poems (critique welcome) |
here's two poems I've recently entered into the poetry contest Son of no man worth mentioning Child of no god worth serving I walk alone On this trail of bitter tears Tears stained with blood Pain hollowed by remorse Grief depraved by anger Alone I lost it all Though I never had it Long nights of cold emptiness Reaching for a mother's caress Yearning for a father's warmth Love? How can I love when innocence is tainted? How can I feel when feeling dies? Steel my tempered spirit with apathy Show no emotion Reveal no pain Sit my tormented soul by the unforgiving ice Hide the flame of rage from my shadowed eyes Cloak myself in impassive enigma I roar from behind the bars of my solitude Can nobody hear me scream? Can nobody sense my pain? Still I cry But I shed no tears Here I stand on a bitter path In this realm of bitter steel Son of no man Child of no god And I face my end alone ---------------- For You I heard your call I felt your anguish Like an intangible shroud of darkness You noticed me not But I watched you brood Bereft and alone As shadows lengthened behind your hunched frame What pain lurks behind your cynical eyes? How much suffering can a single mind hold? Take your cold hand in mine Let me unveil the light Let compassion steep your spirit Warm your blood Learn to forget Learn to look to the august horizon Remember the days when we were one When our hopes and dreams outshone the sun I gave you my love I showed you the truth Why can't you see all I've done for you? I fought an endless black abyss I bridged a yawning chasm I found the recess of your soul Branded with fire Lanced with ice The sorrow I harbored For you I gave you my life I placed my trust in your hands I suffer the burn of tears For you Living each day to see you smile Living each moment like an age Embrace my trembling form in your arms Whisper to me that you care Wading in something much too deep I scream one word at you "Why?" Remember the days when we were one When our hopes and dreams outshone the sun I gave you my love I showed you the truth Why can't you see all I've done for you? Can one heart bleed as much as this? Can one being feel such pain? Betrayal Denial Sear my heart with acid flame Douse it once more with thunder You never knew how much I cared You never understood my grief Tear out my heart Bleed fresh the wound I do this for love of you For you I sacrificed everything For you I cut open my soul I loved you I helped you I showed you the light For you I'd take my life Remember the days when we were one When our hopes and our dreams outshone the sun I gave you my love I showed you the truth I weep for the memories Of you |
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| Author: | Eä [ August 24th, 2006, 3:53 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Great writing LDM! I like the first one the most... I like the choice of words... I have to admit I just read through it briefly and I might read it more thorough later on, but my first impression is really positive! The second one For You... it's good too... I'm no learned poetry expert but it seemed a bit too long for my taste.. well, you didn't really ask for critique so I'm just gonna do with; great job!! I would love to read more from you!! 
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| Author: | Lady Dark Moon [ August 24th, 2006, 6:45 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
thanks, Ea! here's one I wrote a while ago Throat tightens Like the gates of oblivion Stark emptiness That precedes the gray limbo Between heaven and hell Deceiving veneer Blinds stinging eyes To hope To dreams To joy Death is where the soul awaits To embrace pain Everlasting pain Cleansing agony Eyes burn Like fiery brands That water threatens to douse Douse it does In sorrow incarnate Vent the frustration The grief The rage Can't cry This is the end Can't cry No path circumvents This obstacle of obstacles This doom of dooms Hanging there Between heaven and hell Jaw tightens Tears show weakness Fists clench Tears are for weaklings Fist punches something hard Feel the keen pain Revel in pain Concentrate on pain Fist punches harder To strike the gray void With a lance of crimson Cleansing agony Until exhaustion overcomes Fire slips away Eyes sting no more Oblivion fades To yield A trickle of clarity Weary resignation Bitter resignation Throat untightens |
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