I love anything colonial or just after the american revolution. That time period had always drawn me in, particuarly anything nautical.

I wrote an LotR fanfiction, but seeing as it's 7 pages on Microsoft Word I think it's too long to post on here... lol.

For english I wrote a story called 'The Runaway', which I got an 'A' grade for! I'll post it here....

The Runaway

The trees rattle and hiss in anger, their ancient limbs swaying menacingly as if to try and grab me. I dodge them quickly, scurrying through the piles of dead, rotten leaves and empty, stinking crisp packets until I reach the end of the lane. Suddenly, I stop, and swing around slowly on the spot to look back at my house, with a singular light piercing through the darkness, reaching my eyes. I had forgotten to turn it off. Somewhere in the near distance, a clock strikes once, sending a shiver down my spine as I realize what time it is. Giving the house one last look in farewell, I turn and run as fast as I can around the corner and down the main street, the house now only a memory in my mind instead of the place I once saw every day.

Sighing softly, in a moment of sadness, I hitch my small backpack further up my shoulders to make it sit a bit more comfortably, and switch a large carrier bag from one hand to another. I feel in my pocket and check for my wallet, which contains £100, all of my birthday money from the month before. A slight pang in my heart stops me for a short moment, as I think back to my birthday, and I wonder if my parents will miss me. They will probably wait a few weeks until they even bother to search for me, I think bitterly, and I spit on the ground at this thought. Actually, no, that isn’t fair, they will care. They will notice. Although if I ever came back all they will do is shout at me, as they always did. Telling me that I was pathetic and needed to grow up. That’s what they always said whenever I tried to confide in them about anything. Even when I came home one night with a black eye and bleeding mouth, all they could say was “Stick up for yourself! What are you, a man or a mouse?â€

_________________
<center>

pirateoftherings: that was brilliant! i didn't get to read that much, but i could really see a great story and adventure beginning.

Ororuthiel: very good, very descriptive. i liked it a lot. so, at the end, did the train crash or something? i didn't quite get it, but it sounds like it's supposed to be that way.

_________________

^Thanks Gily!
<By Bubble Black

Yes, the train did crash - I was told by my english teacher that it was to have a 'cliffhanger ending' - it leaves the reader wanting to know more or something like that

_________________
<center>

well here's a bit of my newest story called Flight Fire

Chapter 1
I looked suddenly into his face with a look of fright on mine.Had he guessed my secret then?I prayed he had not.I couldn't stay if he had.But I had to stay. There was no where else that I could go.He couldn't have guessed.A strange smile flitted across his face, I was so thankful that it was too dark for him to see my face clearly.My fear would have given me away. Then he turned around and walked back to the fire.I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. Then I slowly followed him.
David was sitting by the fire slowly adding more sticks to it.I sat silenty down and stared into the golden red embers.No one was talking and I had no wish to start. My mind wandered off to another day,one when I was happy with my friends and family.Yes, even without my father.Now I wasn't happy.I wanted more than anything to go home.Back to the way it was.Not like this. My home was nice and full of love, even though my father was gone so much...I was suddenly startled out of my thoughts by Andrew saying, "Steven,you still haven't fullfilled your part of our bargain."I looked at him dumbly and he said testily, "Tell us... You promised to."
I slowly nodded and then I said, "There's not really much to tell you.I got the horse from my father as a gift. He gave it to me because he wanted to make up for never being home. He thought that..that if I had the horse it would make me feel better.I know he felt badly about never being with us.......and then..." I swallowed hard and said softly,"There was a fire... it took everything..."I looked down into the fire and a tear slid down my face.
"So let me see if I have gotten this much straight."Andrew said once again interrupting my thoughts,"Your father gave you the horse to make up for never being home.And your mother died in a fire.Now you are traveling somewhere...Where?"
I looked up and said,"Farther west."
"Not a good enough answer." He replied curtly. "Where did you come from?"
I hung my head and said slowly, "East."
"That's all you ever say to any questions asked!" He said with sudden vehemance as he stood up and started pacing around the fire."I thinkyou stole the horse and are lieing to me and running away from the law!"
I stood up defiantly and said angrily,"I did NOT steal him!He was a gift from my father!" I started shouting,I didn't care. "You don't know anything! You have NO idea what I have been through... or anything else!" tears had started to stream down my face and I angrily brushed them away. Then I ran off into the growing darkness .
"Steven! Wait!" I heard Andrew yell after me.But I kept running. Sobs escaped my throat.I couldn't stop crying .So long had it been held inside I couldn't stop now. Andrew was wrong, I had told the truth. But if he wasn't going to believe me I would run again.I didn't care. I had to go somewhere. I had no clue where to go. But before I could go anywhere, I had to go back to the camp, I couldn't leave without Flight Fire. After my tears had stopped, I washed my face in the cool water of the nearby stream. I then turned to go back to the dim firelight. Andrew and David said nothing when I returned. And I was glad. I spent a fitfull night. W e got up before the sun rose and mounted our horses after we packed up camp. We rode slowly, letting our mounts set the pace. No one had said a word to me, and I was wondering if I should just leave the minute I had a good chance. I didn't want them to become suspicious, but I dind't want to stay with them if they thought I was an outlaw...Maybe they were outlaws...I was busy trapped in my own thoughts when I became aware of Andrew's horse beside mine. He always rode in the lead, but now he had pulled up to ride beside me."You think alot for one so young." he said slowly looking at me curiously. I didn't look at him but looked straight ahead atthe approaching mountains.
"How much longer do we have until we get to the mountains?" I asked instead of repling.
He snorted in irritation and then said, "At least a week." I didn't say anything. "Steven, I didn't mean anything unkindly last night. Honest. I'm sure you told the truth and the horse really was a gift. I'm sorry." I looked at him slowly. His blue eyes were very earnest and he had a pleading look, practically begging me to forgive him.
I looked away and said, "I forgive you."
He rode silenty awhile, when I didn't say anything, he asked, "I don't understand why you are traveling though."
"There were debts, they would have taken the horse if I had stayed." I said instantly. He nodded in understanding and then opened his mouth to say something, but thinking better of it, closed it again. Then he rode in silence a little longer, before he urged his horse ahead to ride beside David. David and Andrew looked very similar. They both had the same desert fair hair and blue eyes, along with the deeply tanned skin and well defined faces. Both were handsome in their own right, but Andrew was definitely the finer looking of the two. He was taller and had a more pronounced profile and facial features. And he was always clean, David liked to be a bit shaggy. I wandered if they were brothers....Maybe I could ask them....the day slowly passed. I was starting to get sore from all of the riding, something I wasn't used to, but I wouldn't ask for a break. All they needed was to think that I was soft. I could give them no reason to start even guessing I wasn't a boy.
I smiled dryly to myself. I had been riding with Andrew and David for a week now. They had met me one late afternoon heading in the same direction as them, the only thing was I had no provisions and it was very hot, and I was very thirsty and tired. Flight Fire had been exhausted too. They had taken pity on me thinking I was a young boy. And, I did look somewhat like a boy. I had cut my hair very short, the way I had seen my brother's done. And I had taken his clothes and worn them instead. I had wanted to look like a boy. A young woman traveling all alone was just not safe. As a boy I had a better chance. But what worried me was the way Andrew seemed to know something. Something I didn't want him to know. I trusted him, he seemed honorable, but still, who had ever heard of a young sixteen year old girl traveling with two young men through the wilderness of the west? I felt bad about deciving them.Especially Andrew. He was very nice, even though he seemed curt and irritated alot. But then he was curious...I too was curious. What were they doing out here? That night we gathered around the fire and ate our salted meat. Then I surpried myself by asking, "Are you brothers?" They were silent a moment, I think they too were surprised that I had talked, then Andrew said, "No, we're cousins."
"But you look so much alike." I said.
Andrew smiled and said,"Our mothers were twins." well that could explain it I thought. And it could also explain why Andrew seemed to be more handsome...alot more handsome...I blushed suddenly at my thoughts and turned my face away from Andrew...Then I went and layed down on my bed roll. I slept beside Flight Fire, he wouldn't let anyone near me. I felt safe knowing that Fire was there. He would protect me from anything. A deep bond had formed between us, and nothing could break it I was certain. He didn't seem to mind Andrew and David, but he was usually very wary and distrustful of others. My father had told me that he had been mistrearted before he had bought him. Thinking about my father made a lump grow in my throat. He was never home because he was always going west...farther and farther west. He had wanted to strike gold or something, then he said he would have taken me and my mother and brother out there to join him. But we hadn't heard from him in ages! I wasn't even sure if he was alive. But then the fire came and destroyed everything. All but me and Flight Fire. My brother, who was a year older than I, had died along with my mother in that fire. After that, I had found some old clothes of my brothers and disguised myself. I was going west to find my lost father. But what if he wasn't there anymore? I pushed the thought from my mind. He had to be there still... And then I fell asleep.
_____________________________________________________________
I have more written-but this is it for now. It's still in a slightly rough draft form. Revisions and possibly more will be written in... So I;m not done. But I am open for "helpful" criticism

_________________
Just call me RoI

I like those sorts of endings. Actually, I think I just like to write them. It's fun to infuriate everyone with them.

I thought your story was very, very good! I like the way it builds up - and what it builds up to is not what you expect. I really like your use of language, as well. "This is my new life, forged for no one else but me…. " I'm impressed! You should be really, really pleased with yourself!

rangerofithilian - it's interesting! It's a really good start. There's a few places where your expression needs correcting, or could be improved, but since you plan to revise it, you probably know that. The start is slightly jerky as well...
Some of you sentences would flow better if you didn't join two with a comma.
eg - "I slept beside Flight Fire, he wouldn't let anyone near me." If would be better if it was "I slept beside Flight Fire - he wouldn't let anyone near me." ; "I slept beside Flight Fire. He wouldn't let anyone near me." or if you put a joining word such as "because" inbetween. You've got a lot of sentences like that, which I think would be worth looking at.
Avoid the word "then" as sometimes your sentence can sound the same - even better without it. (It's often obvious that this is the next thing that happened.) and maybe break it up into more paragraphs?

As for the ideas, a bit more information about the main character and the location would be good, if you can do that without giving too much away. You don't have to overdo it with description, but a little more detail would help give the reader a more vivid picture, and a better idea of where the place is.
Apart from that... I like it. If it were a book, I'd be interested in reading further.

_________________
<center>i love
doctor who

support Arwen!
[+~^$#?]</center>

THanks for your input Herenya! I do plan on editing and adding to. And yeah I didn't like the beginning very well either. I'm planning on fixing it-I 'm just trying to think of a good one. Right now I'm just getting my main ideas down. (I always write my stories like that)

BTW Do you happen to like Grammar? I'm not too good at it-but I still love to write..
And I may post more of it--somewhere. I'll let you know

_________________
Just call me RoI

Yeah, I'm happy to read more if you have it! I re-draft my stories a lot, so I know what you mean just about trying to get the ideas down. I don't mind grammar, though I'm not sure if I'm good at it - but I can often tell what reads well, and structural stuff for stories.

I think what you have for your beginning is fine (the actual event as a starting point) - it's just how you word it, and the tensions you bring into it that need some work. Because you don't really "reveal" what the secret is straightawy, if you don't want to do that, it might work better if you wait a bit before you introduce it. I'm not sure... just an idea.

_________________
<center>i love
doctor who

support Arwen!
[+~^$#?]</center>

well, it did the job!

_________________

^Thanks Gily!
<By Bubble Black

Heres a short story I just wrote.........and I need a little feedback on it. Hope you like it.

Execution Day

Execution day dawned sunny and clear despite the melancholy mood that hung over everyone’s conscience. Lady Kat helped me dress in my black execution gown. Her eyes, I noticed, had become puffy and red from crying all night, but I’m sure mine were just as red, for I had been crying too. She hadn’t slept a wink last night, because she had been adding pearls and French lace to the gown, which actually made it quite beautiful. What a shame I would be wearing ti to my execution.

My execution, how odd that sounded when I said it, usually I spoke of someone else’s execution. Now I speak of my own. It will take place on Tower Green just after noon. My husband Guildford will be beheaded too, but not on Tower Green, because he is not of royal blood. I hear Guildford crying everyday in his cell. Although I disliked Guildford, I had never wished for him to die. Then again I had never wished to be Queen of England either. It happened just like that. One moment I was Lady Jane Grey and the next I was Queen of England with servants to attend to my every need and 50 ladies-in-waiting to say “ God save the Queen,â€

hmm...that was quite interesting and fun to read. but a sad ending, as well.

i thought that the grammar was slightly shaky in some parts. i don't know...i'm not the best person when it comes to grammar, but i just felt that some of the sentences had a lack of flow. for example, 'The reprieve would come soon, the Queen would forgive me, I am her cousin.' maybe you could instead use something like, 'The Queen would forgive me, and the reprieve would come soon-for I am indeed her cousin.'

the description, i thought, was good but could maybe have been better. it might just be me...i'm a huge fan of description and love to go over-board with it. over all, though... good job!

_________________

^Thanks Gily!
<By Bubble Black

Larael Greenleaf, yes, I did enjoy reading it! It's very easy to read (and I mean that in a really positive way.)

I agree with Gwenneth about the grammar - I wonder if it's to do with your use of tense? Try to keep it all in the past tense, or all in the present tense. You slip about a bit... (see the reference to the main character's husband - "It will take place on Tower Green just after noon. My husband Guildford will be beheaded too, but not on Tower Green, because he is not of royal blood. I hear Guildford crying everyday in his cell." and later on it is "I gave him a wave back despite the fact that I did not love him."
If you decide to do it in the past, thoughts can be present tense, but make sure they are obviously the thoughts of the character at the point in time, NOT part of the narrative.
Also about dividing your sentences with a comma, same thing I suggested to ranger of ithlien. "Then the priest came to hear Guildford’s confessions, I heard him sobbing with each word he said." If the ideas are two separate, but related fragments, separate with a " - " or some sort of joining word.

Perhaps a bit more description to build up a bit more suspense?

_________________
<center>i love
doctor who

support Arwen!
[+~^$#?]</center>

Thanks! I really appreciate it

_________________
<center>

I think I mentioned before that I wrote a LotR fanfiction... well if I didn't, it's called Reunited Once More, and it's about what happens before the time Frodo and Sam are reunited at the Undying Lands, with the reunion at the very end. It's quite a long story, so I would suggest you make some time for you to read it

http://www.freewebs.com/ororuthiel2/reu ... emore.html <---- Link

I did it on a seperate page as it's too long to post here.... anyway... if you can be bothered to read it, feedback please?

Thanks!

_________________
<center>

Thanks guys........yeah grammar really isn't my thing. I will try and improve on it. Thanks for the feedback!!!!!!

Yes.. I don't have time at the moment (I'll fall asleep on my feet if i don't go to bed now!) so I'll read it later when I have time.

Here's something I've written. It's not very good and since I'm looking at redrafting it AGAIN, feedback would be appreciated. It's a prologue - and I don't think it's meant to make sense... well, not much, anyway.

WAITING
Prologue
[i]“For I am commanded to slay all whom I find in this land without leave of the lord…â€

_________________
<center>i love
doctor who

support Arwen!
[+~^$#?]</center>