I love your story so far Herenya! I think it's brilliant just the way it is - I wouldn't change anything, you really should be proud of yourself! But if you want to change it, obviously I'm not one to object

It kind of reminds me of the Garth Nix books... the way you write is very simliar to his, I think. But that's a good thing, as Garth Nix is a brilliant author

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Please proof read to make sure everything is in present tense.......if something isn't please tell me. Do not pay attention to anything else. The next dratf will have more detail and stuff...........remember only check the tense of this story!!!!!!!


Execution Day

Execution day dawns sunny and clear despite the melancholy mood that is hanging over everyone’s conscience.I pull the black execution gown over my head and reach for Lady Kat's hand mirror. A pair of cold grey eyes stare back at me under heavy eyelashes. I sigh and set down the mirror.

"Whats wrong, lovey,"Kat asks.

"My execution," I say.

"Don't think about it, keep yourself busy. How about you finish that pattern you were stitching for me earlier?"she says trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

She reaches under her chair and takes the pattern out of her woven basket.I take it and begin to stitch the outline of a bird. Just then I hear the sound of someone crying. Kat looks at me, but I stare at the floor.

"It's Guildford again," I say even though she already knows who it is anyway.

Kat says nothing. The sobs from Guildfords cell grow louder.

It must be nearing his beheading now, I think.

I try not to hear Guildfords sobs but I just can't block them out.

"Oh Kat I never meant for Guildford to die too! Its just not fair the way his parents arranged our marriage so he could get a chance to be King, I mean I didn't even want to be Queen. It's all my greedy fathers doing, anything that gives him more power he will agree to even if it involves marrying his daughter to a pig!"I cry throwing down the pattern.

"Jane, I know deep down you really don't hate Guildford," Kat says picking up the pattern.

"Yes I do! He always gets his way. Didn't you see the way he ran off to his mother like a little child when I refused to crown him King?"

Kat didn't answer, but kept on sewing.

The Queen Mary and I are cousins. She once told me that she thinks of us as sisters, even though I am 16 and she is at least 30. Surly, she will not follow through with the beheadings. I never wanted the crown and she very well knows it, I tell myself.

The hours tick by as I continue to stitch a pattern for Lady Kat, but I keep glancing nervously out the window towards Tower Green, where the scaffold and block sit glistening in the sun. My eyes rest on the axe man, swinging his axe about. My stomach begins to feel knotted and twisted and hot bile risess in my throat.

"Jane, are you all right?" Lady Kat asks.

Before I can answer I lean over and vomit into the nearest pail. Then I sit back in my chair and close my eyes trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach.When I open them again Lady Kat is in front of me holding a glass of water. I sip it slowly letting the cool water soothe my burning throat.

"Your nervous," Kat whispers.

I nod.

How couldn't I be? I think.

The sound of sobbing and muffled voices comes from across the corridor.

"The priest is already here for Guildford!" I cry getting up from my chair and putting my ear to the door.

Guildfords iron cell door creaks open and I hear his heavy footfalls echoing down the corridor followed by the priests shuffling feet. I run back to my seat by the window. Guildford comes around the corner of the Tower in iron shackles. He looks up at me as he passes under my window, and smiles grimly.

“Good-bye my fair lady,â€

oh Herenya! You've got to write more!!!! I really want to read more!!! I can't see anything that needs changing. But it is definitely intriguing!!!! PLEASE write more!!!!!!

here's some more of my story--still rather rough-draft..
oh and I changed Andrew's name to Martin..I liked it better..
Chapter 2
I didn't know how long I had slept until I heard Fire moving restlessly beside me and a hand shaking me by the shoulder. I sleepily opened my eyes and saw Martin crouching beside me. "We have to get moving, before the sun is up." he said.
I pulled myself up into a sitting position and asked groggily, "Why?"
He rolled his eyes and stood up, as he strode off he called back, "Just get ready. We leave soon." I slowly stood up and rolled my blankets up. Then I tied them behind my saddle. The air was humid and it was still quit dark. I walked over to the fire. It wasn't lit, but Martin and David were both beside it quickly packing everything up.
"Here,Catch!" I heard Martin say to me, and I looked just in time to catch a large piece of jerky.
"Thanks" I mumbled, still a bit puzzled.
As Martin was saddleing his bay stallion he said over his shoulder, "It's gonna be one hot day, I want to travel far, so I want to get moving. We'll rest later." I chewed on the jerky tasting the salty meat. It was good, but not very sibstantial to satisfy my hunger. I went back and untied Fire, then I mounted and rode back beside them. David was on his horse, a fine white mare, and Martin was almost done tying the last oh his bags on his horse. When he was done, he mounted and we set off. It was at least three hours before the sun rose, and we rode at a rather fast pace. After the sun rose, it became hotter very quickly, I was thankful now for getting the head start when it was still rather cool. Fire was full of energy this morning and didn't seem to mind the fast pace. He actually was pulling at the bit most of the time. "Seems like your horse wants to race." I suddenly heard Martin say. I looked up at him and saw that he had turned slightly around and was watching me with an amused smile. I nodded and then looked away."You know, you don't have to be so shy." he said has he reigned in his horse to ride beside me. " we're both rather nice, and we would like you to talk more." I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged. Martin was silent and then he asked softly, "What are you trying to hide?" I kept my eyes diverted. So maybe he couldn't guess.
I breathed a small sigh of relief and then said quietly,"Nothing."
He gazed at me and then said, "I won't believe that." Then he let his horse go back beside David. I wondered what David thought as he rode along, he never seemed to talk. He was always quiet. I wondered if it had to do with my presence or if he was always like that.Deep down I knew that I wanted to ride beside them and talk and joke like I had done with my brother, the only thing holding me back was that they always asked so many questions. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell them the truth. I just couldn't. As the day wore on, it grew hotter and hotter. After noon, Martin made us all stop under some shade trees beside the stream we had been following for several days now. I was thankful for the rest and I was sure Fire was too. He seemed almost as hot as fire now. His name suited him perfectly. He was the color of burnished copper and was faster than any horse I has ever seen. I was very proud that father had given him to me. Brother had already had a horse, but I know he was jealous of mine. I pulled myself out of my memories and saw Martin leaning against a tree studying me. I flushed and looked away, "What do you constantly think about? It is something much, or you wouldn't be so lost in thought all the time."
I didn't look at him, but I said, "Well, mostly about my family and my old home...also about the future..." my voice trailed off and I was silent.
"So, where are you wanting to go?" he asked.
"I want to find my father."I said before I knew it.
"Do you know where he is?"
"I only know that he was in a boom town." I said lamely.
Martin snorted and said, "Boy, do you know how many boom towns there are!?" I shook my head. It felt odd being called boy.
"Martin." David's voice startled us both and we looked up to where David was standing. He was looking out at the land we had just crosssed. Martin stood and walked over to David. "Look over there." David said pointing. I got up and went over to where they were and saw distant fast moving specks on the horizon.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Horses." was Martin's answer. "It must be a wild herd.Better hold onto your's, Steven.He may want to join them." Martin too went over to his stallion and took hold of the reigns. I stood beside Fire and patted his wet neck, talking quietly to him. I watched as the herd draw closer. It was a small herd, they were all bunched together and were running slower than what they had seemed. "They're headed for the stream." Martin said. He pulled his horse farther away from the stream, and I did likewise. David had already taken his mare off and was watching silently. The herd approached slowly, they seemed to have smelled us, after quite awhile, the advanced cautiously and then a few drank taking turns. After they had all drank, they wheeled around and dashed off. "I love seeing wild horses." David said as we watched them disappear from view.
I let out my unconsciencely held breath and breathed softly, "They're so beautiful." Something brushed past me. and I looked up and saw Martin.
He looked down into my face with that same amused smile and then said, "Let's go." as he swung up on his horse. We all mounted and then rode off.It was still extremely hot, and all of us were sweating hard. We stopped for good just before sunset and made camp. As we all sat around the fire, only lit to cook our food, I suddenly asked, "Martin, David, what's your past?"
They were silent a moment and then Martin replied, "There's nothing major...We lived with my parents, David's died when he was a baby, so my parents raised him. We grew up as brothers. Then, when I was ten, David was nine, my father died in a farm accident; and my mother was never the same again. She just wasted away.
Rather then be sent to an orphanage, we ran away and lived out in the wild. I was quite tall for my age, and looked a good deal older than what I was, so I was able to get odd jobs. I went on a horse round up once. It was the most exciting thing I've ever done. We rounded up this big herd of wild horses and then, what we didn't keep, we sold back in town. Well, for helping, I got to pick a horse. I got my bay. A few years later and I caught and tamed Davie's grey. And we moved on. We never had a permanent home anywhere. We liked roaming, having the entire world as our home. And that's how we live. In the winter we either get jobs or rough it out. Spring is a great time to get a job. Always plenty to do. There's nothing else to tell."
"Not to sound too curious," I said hesitantly, "but, how old are you then?"
Martin and David chuckled, then Martin said, "Well. you aren't too curious. It's rather pleasant for you to talk at all! But in asnwer to your question, I'm eighteen and Davie's seventeen, although in a couple more months we'll be the same."
"Well, then, what are your full names?" I asked with more boldness.
"I'm Martin Andrew Parkington. And he is David Matthew Sherwood. Differant last names since we're related by out mothers. But he goes by Parkington alot too."
I looked away into the night, and then asked, "Did you ever see a man on a tall dun horse on any of your round-ups?" Martin shrugged, "There were several duns."
"But the man, he had dark hair was well groomed, and..and he a large bright red bandana tied around his neck! He never took it off."
Martin shook his head and said, "I'm sorry,Steve. No one matching that." as an after-thought he asked, "Was it your father?" I nodded, but didn't say anything. I didn't talk anymore that night, but mearly ate my food and then lay down on my bed roll, and tried to fall asleep. The heat was very oppressive, and by the time I finally drifted into a restless sleep, Martin was shaking me awake."Do we have to go already?" I asked with my eyes still closed.
"We don't have time to waste." Martin replied as he stomped off. I got up, packed up, and mounted up. Then I went over to Martin and David. They were almost done as well. I was given jerky, and then we rode off. No one talked, everyone was still too tired to I think. Fire wasn't even as peppy as usual. But today I rode closer to Martin and David, I wanted their company, I think I would risk it. They seemed to like it, and must have thought that I was coming out of me shell so to speak. When we stopped for the afternoon, I got enough courage worked up to ask, "Why do you want to travel so fast?"
"We need to get a farm." Martin replied. I only expected Martin to answer. David never seemed willing to talk.
"Do you live there?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"No, we promised to work. Although, we're both hoping the guy moved on last year like he had planned. Neither of us are looking forward to plowing and planting. Although the horse breaking is more to my liking, he always gets the nasties."
"You help break horses?" I asked with growing curiosity.
"Yup, I do. Davie doesn't like to. But I like the adventure of it."
"How do you do it?"
"I do it nice and slow. And I always become great friends with the horse. The only problem is, the guy tends to mistreat them before I can get to them. Makes my work a whole lot harder."
I smiled and said, "I'm glad you don't beat them. I hate that."
"You like horses, don't you?" he asked with a smile.
"Is it obvious?" I asked jokingly. It felt good talking to them, they reminded me so much of me brother. How I missed him. But I quickly put the memories out of my head, I didn't want to spoil a good afternoon.
He smiled and nodded, "Yes, it's plenty obvious that you do. Especially Fire."
"Fire's my favorite. He's the best horse ever!"
"Well, he might rival mine, but no horse can beat Dust Hop."
"Dust Hop?" I asked skeptically.
"Yeah, my bay." I could hear the pride in his voice as a fondly patted his horse's neck.
"Is he really any good?"
Martin looked in shock at me and asked with wide eyes, "Any good? Why...he...he could beat your Fire any day! You'll never find another horse who can round-up others better, who can travel farther, who can do anything better than Dust!"
"I'm sorry, I dind't mean to offend. I'm sure your horse is wonderful! It's just that I'm quite biased to mine."
Martin smiled and replied, "Ah, there's no offense. I'm the same as you. And I'm sure your horse is very good. But as you said, I too am biased."
We all laughed and so the day passed, just joking and teasing each other. It was so nice to be able to talk with them, even David talked more. He was actually very friendly. We stopped at sunset and ate our supper. I soon proved to them that I wasn't a bad cook too. Although they were relatively good cooks themselves. They seemsd more relaxed around me and talked and chattered all night, until I got so tired I had to go get some sleep. We got up a little later than usual, but it was the same otherwise. Jerky for breakfast, stop at noon, and then after a rest, ride until sunset. And the mountains were almost in our grasp. I tried not to think about what it would be like once we reached the mountains. Right now I wanted to enjoy the new found friendship of these two. I would think about it later...later...And then I fell asleep.

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Just call me RoI

Larael Greenleaf, I won't comment on your content, since you wish for me not to... but reading it, only looking at the tense you've used... it's much better.
Very close, tense wise. (Do you want me to comment on your other grammar slips as well - and there seriously weren't many.) I only noticed two...

Kat didn't answer, but kept on sewing. Kat doesn'tanswer, but keeps on sewing.

The priest shuffled silently behind me all the way to Tower Green. A crowd had gathered there during the day.
“Can you make it from here?â€

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Thanks Herenya your so helpful!!!!! Next draft will be coming soon......I hope.

Thanks Herenya! I don't know how I change their names. I just knew that the name didn't seem to fit(Especially since I have other characters in some other stories who have Andrew in their name) SO for something new...
About the paragraphs. I actually do have more. But I don't take the time to retype it on the forum-so when I copy and paste from the wordpad I'm using on my computer to write it-it get's kinda messed up. But I know there are a few places that I need to add more to. I just haven't taken the time.
And descriptions...I know I should probably move them to the first chapter..But I still need to re-read and edit.
But thank you for your input! it's much appreciated!
and looking forward to the sotry!

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Just call me RoI

Yeah, I know that the forum doesn't let you tab. (I tab all my paragraphs - I'm fairly pedantic about it...)

Part of the first chapter of my story... I think I'm going to have to change stuff in it... but at least this gives you an idea.


The stranger shuddered, pulling his cloak around him. The building loomed up in front of him, obscuring what little moon light there was. He lifted the brass knocker, and knocked, twice.
He didn’t have to wait long. There was a flurry of footsteps, and the door was wrenched open, and the light from the hall streamed out.
In that moment he had a glimpse of a girl, shinning in the light behind her. She was tall; her long hair and dark robe fell around her shoulders. He stared at her, taken-aback. But then she almost pulled him in, and the massive door closed behind him.
He stood in the hallway, staring up at the ornate ceiling and the circular staircase that continued up into the tower. The lamplight in the holders on the walls cast a strange, flicker on the dark panelled walls. It wasn’t a common décor for its era; there was something old and other-worldly about it. The girl was used to the awed reaction of travellers, and gave him a few moments to take it all in.
“Welcome to Rosewood Traveller’s Inn and Boarding House. I’m Xarlia.â€

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Really interesting Herenya! I want to read more!!!!!! so does this come before what you wrote earlier?


Here's some more to mine--
Chapter 3
I woke to the feeling of being shaken. I tried to opened my eyes, but couldn't. I was far to sleepy. I opened my mouth to ask what time it was, but I instantly felt a hand clamped over my mouth.
"Don't talk. Come on and don't make a sound." I heard Martin whisper furtively.
I was immediately awake and on my feet. I had everything packed and was mounted in record time. I then silently went over to David and Martin. They didn't talk, but were hurredly packing and covering up all traces of us being here. I was very puzzled and curious. What was the matter? I watched silently and then they were done. They mounted and turned their horses towards the mountains. Martin beckoned with his head and I followed them.
We kept our horses to a walk, obviously they would make to much noise if we urged them faster. We rode and rode and rode, but no word was spoken. I was absolutely dieing with curiosity!
Finally I brought my horse up alongside Martin's and waited for him to talk. When he only acknowlegded my presence with a slight nod, I quietly whipered, "What is it?"
He didn't reply immediately, but he slowly took a deep breath and then leaning over towards me whispered back, " I tell you in detail when the sun rises." Then he was silent.
So I had to remain patient until then. Never had my patience been so tried! But finally the sun peeked its head over the tops of the mountains. I looked expectantly at Martin and said, "Now?"
He laughed and said with a smile, "You are certainly something, Steven! Alright, now."
And so he started. "First off, they were outlaws. Second off, I know them."
"Who?" I interrupted.
"The men we got away from this morning. You wanted to know. So I'll tell. I was only so quiet and cautious because I didn't want them to find us." He paused and then continued slowly, "We aren't outlaws, me and David...but we just got entangled with a few. If they were to find us...let me just say no one in our company could expect mercy from them. Including us."
"You mean they want to kill you?!" I asked in surprise.
"Yeah. That's exactly what they want to do." Martin replied wearily.
"But why?"
"Because...the past."
"What is the past?"
"I don't even know why I need to answer you! It's none of your concern!" Martin said suddenly in a rather rough tone.
I was caught off guard and couldn't reply. Only my face showed shock and surprise and maybe a bit hurt.
Martin was looking at me and I risked a glance at him. He was smiling! I turned my face towards him and asked with a questioning look. Then he laughed out loud!
"Steven!" He laughed, "I wasn't serious! I want to talk to you. Otherwise I wouldn't be. Honest."
I nodded my head still a bit unsure.
After a moment, Martin said, "Well, me and Davie were traveling around like we are now. Only we were younger and didn't have hardly anything. One day we met this group of men who seemed to like us, so they helped us out. Kind of like what we did for you. Only these guys turned out to be outlaws. Thieves, murderers, rustlers, you name, they were it. They wouldn't stop at anything. But they helped us. because we were young, no home, no anything! So they thought we could join them, do a little bit of odd jobs for them. Well we traveled with them, not knowing anything about them. After time, we disconered what they really were. And we wouldn't stand for it! Imagine a big group of men, say roughly twenty to thirty tough, hardened, strong men, being lectured by two little boys, maybe half of what they were in stature and strength."
I smiled at the thought.
"Rather comical isn't it." Martin said
I nodded.
"Well, we did. More like I did. Davie didn't talk much. As a matter of fact. He still doesn't"
I laughed. I couldn't help it, and Martin did too.
"Oh laugh all you want." David replied seemingly injured.
Martin shook is head and rolled his eyes and then continued, "Well, I did lecture them, telling them all of the wrong they were doing and how bad they were. Some men laughed and thought I was funny. Others were upset that I would dare talk to them in such a way. And others were indifferant. Well the leader tried to set me straight. He was rather indifferant, but also thought I was funny. I saw him smile several times. But he tried to make me see his point of view. And for a time I was won over. But only a short time. Me and Davie didn't stay long, but we stayed long enough to see their hideout and hear several plans for the future. But we snuck away one night, and we turned them in. Last I heard was at least half the gang was busted and the other half was hidden."
"But you shouldn't be ashamed for what you did! That was very brave and honorable of you!" I said suddenly.
"I'm not ashamed for what I did. I know it was right of me. But I was stupid."
"How?"
Martin was silent.
"I'll tell you how." I heard David suddenly say when Martin didn't answer.I turned to him and waited.
"He let the gang know we were the ones that turned them in! Just had to lead the sheriff and aposse to their hideout!"
"But wouldn't they have suspected you anyway?"
"No, there was already talk going around that they wanted to split and have some of them caught. Obviously they didn't like the way things were going. I even overheard one night a guy making plans to tell the sheriff." Martin said.
"But still...so what?!"
"So what?" David replied, "So they know who's heads to have! Ours! And any companion of ours." he looked meaningfully at me.
"But...I don't get it!"
"Get it,Steve. They'll kill us the moment they catch us. Along with you." Martin said.
"Ok, I understand that part, but why do you act ashamed?"
"Because... well... I stole." he replied very slowly.
David looked in surprise at Martin and asked in shock, "You what!?"
"Yeah I stole."
"When? You never went anywhere with them without me! And you definitely didn't when I was there!"
"I know, I stole from them.I'm no better than the lot."
Then to everyone's surprise, David burst out laughing, I did too. And soon Martin joined us.
"Ok, so now you know my dark secret and criminal past." Martin said jokingly.
"Did you really steal?" I asked.
"Yep! I sure did."
"But why?"
"It was when we snuck away that night. I took much needed provisions and water."
"Well, don't worry, Martin. We won't turn you in! You can count on me and Steve not to let anyone know." David said in the same joking voice.
I laughed and said,"No need to worry! I promise not to!"
"Thank you both for harboring a criminal." Martin said while making a bow.
Then we rode on. It was so much fun! And they were too! But my mind continued to drift back to when they had been serious. What if the outlaws did catch up? Martin said I had no chance either. Should I leave their company? But I didn't want to! So I continued riding with them, trying to dispell the gloom that was slowly settleing over me. That night I had talked myself out. They didn't seem to notice, they were tired too. So we called it a day quickly and went to sleep. Thankfully sleep came swiftly on his silent feet.

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Just call me RoI

i'm writing a book, but i will tell nothing yet.

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I'm a Lotr-Fan, and i love Hip-Hop and Rap. They don't mix, i know.

Very nice rangerofithilian!

Here's an autobiography that I wrote, not too long ago.

An Autobioghraphy, Värmeland

The day was closing to its end, the sky pink, blue, gold and red, as the sun fell into the trees, shining onto the lake. The clouds were purple, and the shadows were long, but I knew it would never be dark. The sun never fully vanishes from these skies in the summer, instead it shines all day and night, letting everyone know that it is the time for laughing and storytelling. But not for me.
I look up onto the sky and take in a deep breath, knowing I will never again see this view, never again look upon the woods where I have played every summer since I was very little. Next year when I come to Sweden, this place will be gone, sold, to someone else. I heave a sigh and taste the air that fill my lungs. Next year, it seems so far away, and yet last year, was yesterday.
The lonley chirp of bird reaches my ears, and I look up to see a small feathery ball sit on a branch above me. I look past it, unto the lake, and the shoreline. The water lilies are in bloom, pink, yellow and white on the waters. The rowboat lies in dock, waiting to be rown past a beavers nest, out fishing, or just simply sat in. Little does it know, that this is its last summer in my Godmothers possession. The water ripples in tiny waves, and the faint flutter of wings can be heard. Moments later a swan enters the water, its white image against the pink gold and red waters. I smile at the beauty of this.
The time evening goes by, and the suns rays still cling to life, but I am too tired to keep wake. I walk inside the tiny house, and remember my finley etched memories, the memories of when I played with the darts out front, when my Godmothers husband was still alive. When we went fishing, when I had a beesnest after me, when we played simply games like hide and seek. When we went on long walks through the woods, when we picked mushrooms, when he took me out in his boat, or when she took me in her canoe. All that will be gone.
I walk across the floorsboards, into the room I always sleep in. I gaze upon the walls, and listen to the lonley fly buzzing in the window. I open up the window and let it out. These walls have watched me grow, from a toddler to an eleven year old, they have watched me spring. Tonight is my last night with them, my last night by this lake, my last night under that tree watching over me at night. My last night in this room, under the gaurdiance of these walls. I hear the soft laughter outside from my mother and Godmother, yet I can not keep the sadness out of my eyes. A tear slids down my cheek, and I steal one last look out my window, and then I creep down under my cowers, begging, praying, that this night will last forever, that time will stand still.
It does not, morning comes, and breakfast is served. I get up, and feel refreshed, but when I remember that I'm leaving today, a saddness erupts inside, and a gloomy feeling overcomes me. I walk over the wooden cool floorboards underneath my feet, into the kitchen. We eat breakfast and then we pack our few belongings. I leave behind my bow, hiding it by the tree that has for so long watched over me. I take one last walk across the grass down to the lake. I watch the waves, and I say my goodbyes, once again I pray for time to stand still. It does not.
I find myself sitting in my mothers car, waving out the window, we roll out of the driveway, and I press my forehead against the window, feeling hot tears streaming down my cheeks, thinking the world is cruel. Why should we have to leave behind this place, the one sanctuary, when it feels all else is robbed. I think my Godmother is cruel for selling it, although I know she can not keep it, I think my mother is cruel for taking me away, although I know we can not stay. I think the world is cruel for being what it is, and most of all I hate time, because you can not stop it. The woods pass by, and we are in the city. Never again will I look upon that lake from that spot, never again will I let out a fly through one of those windows.
I love my Godmother, but I am sad she had to let it go. I still am today, and this memory is forever etched in the back of my mind, pressing forth hot tears on my face. Yes, this is true, it is a story, or rather a memory. If you can love a place, then I loved that one. For nowhere else have I ever felt like the whole world watches me, and like I can be what I want. Like everything is going to be okay, it is going to workout one way or another. It is gone out of my life. Sold, gone, but wherever I go, it will follow, like a shadow covering my eyes when the sun is too bright, and like a blanket when the moon is too cold.

I hope I didn't bore you...

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Thank you Orouthiel and Myra!!!

Okay, I have a POTC fanfiction that I need feedback on, but it's too long to post here (45 pages on Microsoft Word, to be exact), so I'll just post the link: www.fanfiction.net/~pirateoftherings PLEASE review! Either post a comment there or here, but this is my first work and i need opinions!

well heres the next chapter---I dunno there's something seemingly wrong with it but maybe that's just me

Chapter 4
The next morning, the sun was just starting to rise when I was awakened by Fire gently nuzzleing my face. I pushed him back and slowly sat up. I could still hear snoring, so I knew that one of them at least was still asleep. I looked over in the direction that they were. I saw Dust Hop and Willow still dozing and I could also make out David still asleep beside Willow. He slept very close to her hooves. I would be afraid to sleep that close, suppose she trampled him in his sleep!? Martin's bed roll was crumpled, and I couldn't see him anywhere. He couldn't have gone far, or he would have taken Dust Hop with him. I scanned the horizon and watched in silence as the sun climbed higher. I had never seen such a gorgeous sunrise before! The sky was tinged with pale pink and yellow. The dark of night was being slowly banished. I held my breath in awe. It was on mornings like these that I truly felt the presence of God. I never could get over his magnificent handiwork.
"So you like the sunrises too." I was startled by the sound of Martin behind me.
I spun around and then answered, "Yes."
"I like them alot. I always try to get up to see them. And I always watch the sunsets. Seems like the most peaceful time of day. I like to take walks aswell.. And talk."
"With David?"
Martin chuckled and said, "Oh yes, David loves getting up." he rolled his eyes
I laughed and glanced over at the sleeping form of David.
"He doesn't like to get up unless he has too." Martin said.
"So do you talk to yourself?"
"No, someone much better than me."
"Certainly not your horse?!"
He laughed again and said, "No, no. To the best person to talk to. God."
"Oh! I do as well. I just..well..."
"You thought I didn't, right?"
"Well..." I trailed off. Truth be told I hadn't thought that he did.
"What, because I wander? Certainly I don't impress you as an outlaw?!"
We laughed and I assured him I didn't.
"When my parents were alive, we went to church all the time. I don't believe that saves you. And I think that it doesn't matter if I go to church. I talk and commune with God every day! I don't need a building to pray or worship in. I do it right out here! It's really one of the best spots I think."
"I agree with you.And I do agree about churches. I haven't been to one in months!"
"Well, we try to go if we're in town on Sunday's. But we sometimes don't even if we are. We've been practically shoved out of some of those places before."
"That really is a shame."
"Too true. But it happens."
"What... are you two just going to jaw all morning or are you going to get breakfast?" David suddenly said.
"Oh fix it yourself!" Martin replied jokingly.
I knew he would go help in a minute.
David was still sitting on his bed roll and looked very lazy. "Well what are you two even talking about?" he asked.
"Finding out that we have some more things in common. Steve's a christian too."
"Oh! That's something real nice to have in common!" David replied genuinenly.
He got up and started to get breakfast prepared. Martin went over to help, but David pushed him back,
"No, you won't! You told me to fix it, so I am. Go talk. Go walk. Go ride. Just GO!"
Martin laughed but didn't leave.
David really reminded me of my brother: John Anderson Jr., seventeen, and just like our father. With the dark slightly curly hair. Large smile, if he ever did smile. Tall, strong, somewhat lanky. Rather imposing, but kind and gentle all the same.
A lump grew in my throat. How I missed him! I looked up and saw Martin staring at me again. I turned my face away, but he suddenly asked,
"Steven, is something wrong?"
He must have seen the tears in my eyes. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I'll help if there's something I can do." I could tell that he was very sincere.
"No, there's nothing you can do." I replied sadly.
"Is it your father? Or your mother?"
"My brother." I nearly whispered.
"I see... You never told me you had a brother. I'm very sorry."
I looked up at him and saw that he truly was sorry. I smiled slightly and said, "Thank you. You really are very kind for an almost stranger."
"Stranger!?" Martin laughed, "Hear that, Davie!? After all this time, and all of the talks, and he still thinks of us as strangers!"
David laughed and said, "Well, we may not be to him, but he definitely is to us! Come on, Steve. Tell us more!"
I looked at their eager,expectant faces. And, I slowly did.
"Well. I lived in a small town a little east of here. I had a brother, John was his name. John Anderson Jr. He was exactly like our father. But he died in the fire. We lived on a farm and raised cattle and grew all of our food. My father one day got gold fever and took off. He left us all home saying he would come get us when he struck it rich. But he never did, He kept going to new places hoping to eventually get rich. We lost all contact with him, and then the fire came. Mom, John, and nearly all of our property was lost. I ran away. I didn't want to lose Flight Fire. And I didn't want to stay there. So now I'm looking for my father."
"Yes we know that." Martin replied, "But do you have any idea where he is? You said a boom town..."
"I said boom town because I didn't expect you to help me so much. Actually the last time he wrote to us, he was in Sacramento. I don't know if he's still there though."
"Sacramento isn't so far away." Martin said almost to himself. "Yes, I'm sure we can take you there." he added more towards me.
"Well, I don't want to be a bother! You've done so much for me already!"
"It's no bother. We were headed that way anyway."
"Uh. we were?" David asked.
"Of course we were. If the man doesn't need us at the farm, we'll go on. I haven't been to Sacramento in ages!"
"So where is this farm?" I asked
"About another day or two away."
By this time, breakfast was ready, so we ate. Afterwards, we packed up and left.
After awhile of riding, I asked, "So is there no danger from the outlaws now?"
"There's still a danger from them, but I doubt we meet up with them." Andrew answered.
I was silent for a moment "Do they have a name?"
"They just called themselves the Outlaw Gang. Not very original, but it's of no concern."
We talked a bit more about nothing in particular. At noon we stopped to eat and rest. After that we rode on till sunset.

After making camp, I helped cook the food. They both seemed to enjoy it greatly and complimented me alot about how good it was.
"We'll have to keep you around!" David teased, "Even if we do find your father. You're too valuable a cook to lose!"
I laughed along with them, but I wanted to find my father and stay with him. They were nice, and I was really growing fond of them, but I didn't want to live like this forever!
"....just go on, Steve." Martin's voice suddenly interrupted me.
"What? Go where?" I asked a bit confused.
"I said, just go on to bed. You're tired. I can tell."
I was a bit. Maybe he thought being lost in my thoughts was a sign of tiredness? I didn't know, but I did go. After lying there, I couldn't sleep. My brain was still thinking. I gazed up at the inky black sky. It was studded with glittering white stars. A semi-full moon cast it luminence upon the quiet world.
Suddenly David's voice reached my ear, "There's something wrong with him."
"I agree." Martin answered.
"What is it?"
"I think I know."
"Mind sharing?"
Who were they talking about? Me? I kept my eyes closed and listened closer.
"Firt tell me what you see wrong." was the reply.
"Well, he's just not right. There's something wrong! I don't know. He seems to old, and yet too young. And his features. All totally wrong too!"
"True. Too old as in height and mind. Yet too young in everything else. And features, most definitely.Tell me why."
I don't know! You tell me if you know!"
"I can only guess."
"Tell me your guess."
There was a pause and I could hear movement. The sound of footsteps approaching sounded in my ears. I tried to breath evenly and act as if I was sleeping. I could tell that someone was standing there. Fire stamped his hoof and I could hear him moving towards Martin. Of course it was Martin. The footsteps retreated and the sound of Martin's voice came softer. I could only hear a couple words.
"...Not...is reason..."
A muffled exclamation came from David. I heard Martin shush him and then they talked in hushed tones.
I waited for all of eternity it seemed, and faintly the sound of heavy breathing accompanied by quiet snoring reached my highly tuned ears. I jumped to my feet and grabbed Fire's reigns. I wouldn't take anything, I didn't want to steal from them.
I put my foot in the stirrup and was about to swing up when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and then turned slowly around.
"You don't have to leave." it was Martin's voice. He spoke quietly and kindly.
"Yes, I do!" I whispered back.
"I knew you heard. I could tell you were faking. I also knew you would try to leave. But you don't have to."
"Yes, I do!" I repeated.
"Why?"
"Because...I... I... I just have to!"
"Because I was correct? You're a girl." he didn't ask it, he just stated it.
I hung my head, I could feel the tears welling up. "I'm sorry." I finally managed to whisper.
"Sorry? Because you lied?"
I nodded my head and replied, "I didn't want to decieve you. I just didn't want to tell because I thought that you wouldn't help me if you knew."
"Why not? There's no shame in helping someone. And I said I would. So I'm taking you to Sacramento, like I said I would. I keep my word always."
I looked up at him, the moon was shining faintly and I could just barely make out a slight smile.
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
"Then... Thank you."
"You're very welcome...Now goodnight." he walked off back to his bed.
I returned to mine and soon fell asleep. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me.

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Just call me RoI

I'll be able to read people's stuff when I get home... grrr... I don't have the time now.
Sorry...

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<center>i love
doctor who

support Arwen!
[+~^$#?]</center>

I finished a story that I'd been working on for the past little while. But, seeing as it's about 7-8 pages in Microsoft Word, I decided that i'd post a section of it. It's a Lord of the Rings fanfiction, and uses book verse.

“Hoo! What were those lists I learned when I was young? That was a very long, long time ago and faded in my mind. What was it now, how did it go?

Learn now the lore of Living Creatures!
First name the four, the free peoples:
Eldest of all, the elf-children;
Dwarf the delver, dark are his houses;
Ent the earthborn, old as the mountains;
Man the mortal, master of horses:

Hm, hm, there was one more added, Hoo, now what was it?â€

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All those <i>moments</i> will be <i>lost</i> in Time. Like <i>tears</i> in the <i>rain</i>. Time to <i>die</i>.

I wrote this story a few months ago-I call it THE Story, mainly because it was the only story I was writing at the time. I wrote it for the entertainment of my friends, and to pass the time in class (wonder if that had something to do with me getting a C in Math?) I'm really proud of it, for some reason, and it's kind of turning into a big thing, but it was never meant to be.

Unfortunately, THE Story is 48 pages typed, so I can't really put it on here, but here is an excerpt from THE Sequel:

Bernardo blinked.
I admit that, generally, blinking is not a remarkable activity. However, in the week since Bernardo had saved DOM from the evil Egrog, his fame had become such that even blinking caused his fan girls to swoon with delight and run in his general direction. Which, of course, caused him to run in the opposite direction.
Like most nineteen-year-old, kilt-wearing farm lads, Bernardo never thought he would have a fan club. However, one glorious day, he found himself being pursued by the--formerly sensible, he thought—young girls from his village. One particularly tenacious young lady, Benana (or Bena for short), led this flock of raging hormones. “Bernardo!â€

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<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v102/ladylembas/edmundban.png" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v102/ladylembas/christianban.png">

*snorts* I think I'm dying of laughter, Apple ma' dear, I love it! Write more, Poor Teliza Zil here, is wanting more!!! and Queen Mad decrees it.....

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[Will accept any PM! So PM me! ]