Arya Undomiel wrote:
The exam was a piece of cake, which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

I like that one. And yay for Bushisms!
I can't BELIEVE I haven't posted Clue quotes yet.
CLUE:
Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.
Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Mrs. White: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had a very humiliating confrontation. He was deranged, he was...a lunatic! He actually didn't seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh.
.
Miss Scarlet: What was he like?
Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his... you know.
Mrs. White: I had been out all evening, at the movies.
Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?
Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Mrs. White: Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
Mrs. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
Colonel Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know, he's on everybody elses, why shouldn't he be on mine?
Colonel Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Colonel Mustard: That's right!
Mrs. Peacock: Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I'm used to being a hostess, it's part of my husbands work. And it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time, to get acquainted. So I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. I mean, I, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here. Or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I'm very intrigued, and oh my this soup is delicious, isn't it?
Colonel Mustard: Why are you screaming?
Mr. Green: Because I'm frightened!
Colonel Mustard: Of what?
Mr. Green: Screaming!
Mrs. Peacock: Well, I'm sure I don't know. But if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, we'd all be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.
Professor Plum: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?
Mrs. Peacock: Yes... What? No!... Why?
Wadsworth: The key is gone!
Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door!
Mr. Green: I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!
Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!
Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet: LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
Miss Scarlet: Why has the car stopped?
Professor Plum: It's frightened.
Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?
Wadsworth: See? Just like the Mounties, we always get our man.
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?
Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?
Colonel Mustard: Yup, two corpses, everything's fine!
Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.
Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
Wadsworth: Three murders?
Mr. Green: Six altogether.
Wadsworth: This is getting serious.
---------
PSYCH
Shawn Spencer: Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.
Shawn: Are you a fan of delicious flavor?
-------
FIREFLY
Mal: Yes, I've read a poem. Try not to faint.
The leg is good. It'll bleed plenty and we avoid any necessary organs.
Guard: I was thinking more of a graze...
Well, you don't want it to look like you just gave up.
I've staked my crew's life on the theory that you're a person, actual and whole, and if I'm wrong, you'd best shoot me now...
[River cocks the gun she is pointing at Mal]
Or, we could talk some more.
Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!
Do you want to run this ship?
Jayne: Yes!
Well... you can't...
I'll take the shuttle in closer. Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't hear from me within the hour... you take this ship and you come and you rescue me.
Doctor, I'm takin' your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.
Inara: You look for a compatibility of spirit... there's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide, you try to feel that...
Mal: And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account. It has a sort of aura...
Inara: What did I say to you about barging in to my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't."
[playing chess with Zoe] I live on the edge
[Zoe makes a better move]
I'm thinking of taking up a new position, maybe off the edge.
Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man.
[lightly stabs Atherton with the sword]
Guess I'm just a good man.
[stabs him again]
Well, I'm all right.
This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode.
----
Wash: Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90-pound girl 'cause... I don't think that's ever getting old.
Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump.
Zoe: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.
I don't know. I'm starting to like this poetry idea now. "Here lies my beloved Zoë, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross."
[playing with toy dinosaurs] Everything looks good from here.
Yes... Yes... This is a fertile land and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land.
I think we should call it your grave!
Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Ha, ha, ha! Mine is an evil laugh. Now die!
That's right, of course. 'Cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded. I'm just the pilot. I could always say that I was flying the ship by accident.
-----
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'...
Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're comin' through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.
You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here.
[after being told to leave grenades behind, they run into trouble] Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some *grenades*, don't you think?
Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman,
or if I'm gettin' paid - mostly only when I'm gettin' paid. But these Reavers... last ten years they show up like the bogeyman from stories. Eating people alive? Where's that get fun?
Zoe: First rule of battle, little one, don't ever let them know where you are.
Mal: Woo-hoo! I'm right here! I'm right here! You want some of this? Yeah, you do! Come on! Come on!
Zoe: 'Course there are other schools of thought.
Jayne: Listen, Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No! How can it be?
Simon: No... this must be what going mad feels like.
Simon: My god. You're like a trained ape. *Without* the training.
Simon: He's really very... gentle... and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends.
[River laughs]
Jubal Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.
Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship. Don't look at me.
Book: I brought you some supper, but, if you'd *prefer* a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire... one has lepers.
Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.