Arwen-Undomiel.com
https://arwen-undomiel.com/forum/

Lonely (rated PG)
https://arwen-undomiel.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=48&t=18499		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Jax Nova [ June 11th, 2008, 11:28 am ]
Post subject:  Lonely (rated PG)
Lonely,
Something here inside of me,
It's hurting.
Like a blazing fire beside of me,
It's burning.

Always,
Always things to drag me down,
It's pulling.
It's grasping hands cause me to drown,
It's dragging.

No one,
No one here to talk to me,
It's silent.
No one ever walks with me,
It's lonely.
Author:  Nerissa [ June 11th, 2008, 3:00 pm ]
Post subject: 
This poem is so awesome... and it's so true. It's just how I was feeling about a month ago, only put into words! Congratulations on another great poem!!
Author:  Jax Nova [ June 12th, 2008, 3:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks, Nerissa. :)

I always appreciate comments and I'm glad to know you like it.

I've had a lot of people tell me that my poetry describes the way they have felt many times... I guess thats a good thing since they can connect with it in that way and maybe that will allow me to be able to encourage them through my poetry also. :)
Author:  Nerissa [ June 13th, 2008, 10:09 am ]
Post subject: 
I think it's a very good thing! You have a very special gift to be able to minister to people through your awesome poetry! :)
Author:  pip&leggyluvr [ July 4th, 2008, 11:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
so besides our other thread, i never checked the rest of this forum,
and now i'm kicking myself! haha i miss reading your stuff, because.....
oh yea, you're amazing. :)
Author:  Lady Dark Moon [ July 5th, 2008, 4:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
Congrats on capturing a very human emotion with simplicity. The rhythm and organization are well done, and I love how you didn't try to mire your poetry with complex phrases or long words. The short lines are blunt, taking the readers right to the point, and your overall style is lean and refreshingly direct.

However, I think you could be more specific with your imagery. A large part of poetry is the attempt to come up with the most striking, original images possible - images that stay with the readers long after the words are forgotten.

It's hurting. HOW is it hurting? Blazing fires can be warm, comforting. Make your readers FEEL the hurt. Needles of fire, fire searing your skin, a fever eating you hollow.
Things are dragging you down. What kinds of things?
It's pulling. "Grasping hands" - a pair of words that have been used so much in literature that they're almost cliched. Envision the hands. Are they awkward or frenzied? Do they look like claws? Do they have long, raking nails or pudgy, clumsy fingers? It causes you to drown. What does drowning feel like? Are you drowning in water, from lack of air, or in quicksand?
No one talks to you. "Talk" is a general term. How do you want to be spoken to? A friend laughing with you? A lover whispering in your ear? No one walks with you. What kind of path do you walk, figuratively? What does the road look like? Let your readers SEE what you see on your figurative path.

Yeah, you get the idea. Weigh every word for sound. Weigh every metaphor for subtle connotations. In a poem this short, every detail matters.

Overall, very nice job. :D I did like it, but I'm a hard critic.
Author:  Jax Nova [ July 8th, 2008, 11:46 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the ocmments everyone :)

And thanks for the advice Lady Dark Moon. I'll be sure to keep that in mind in the future.

I did look iover this poem and see if I could add in your suggestions but at the moment i'm tired and can't see it changing for the better if I work on it now.

I may go thorugh it and rearange it later and re-post it to see what you think.
Page 1 of 1 All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
http://www.phpbb.com/