This is what we call morbid. Comments are appreciated, as always.



Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my heart back over.
I'm sure I won't need it anymore.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
My days of pain are over.
My rain refuses to pour.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my pen over.
I need to write of my core.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
My calm days are over.
For I haven't any words anymore.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my knife over.
It's time to end this war.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Innocence is over.
I hope you don't mind a little gore.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send an angel over.
I'm in need of salvation for sure.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
My life is over.
Death prevails once more.

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"Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness."

Very original premise. I love the irony and the morbid twist on what would normally be an innocent game.

One thing, though. A few of the beats are a bit off.

I'm sure I will need it no more?


I stumble over 'days of pain.' Try two-syllable synonym for pain... anguish? Turmoil?


Second line sounds like it's missing a syllable. Try 'send an angel right over'?

I think those are the ones that stuck out at me the most. Try tapping a beat on your desk and feeling out the rhythm.

Overall, unique idea

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thanks for your input lady dark moon. i appreciate it.

i guess i dont think much about rhythm....i always read my poetry outloud to myself, but i read it like....a confession, if that makes any sense, so rhythm's not usually involved, but i can see where it would be more difficult for the reader to read. i'll def keep that in mind for future writings. thanks

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"Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness."

Nice! It's great - it's unique and very well writen. The changes LDM suggested improved it too...

=keep up the great writing!=

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^Sig set made by me. PM for requests.

"I am he [she =P] that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death."

thanks

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"Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness."

I must agree... quite unique. An interesting idea.

It's a nice peice as well. It makes me think and thats one thing I look for in poetry.

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Visit The Varsian Kingdom!

be careful with that thinking, Jax.
not always a good thing.

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"Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness."

haha.... yes I know.

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Visit The Varsian Kingdom!

Ahhh, ahhhh! Chills!

Now whenever I play red rover (Yes, I am 18 and still play red rover) I will be thinking of this.

I really like LDM's suggestions. You have such a good premise, but the ryhme scheme is fairly well known, so its best to keep it to that ryhme.

thanks