Arwen-Undomiel.com
https://arwen-undomiel.com/forum/

Red Rover, PG13
https://arwen-undomiel.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=48&t=18759		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  pip&leggyluvr [ July 4th, 2008, 11:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Red Rover, PG13
This is what we call morbid. Comments are appreciated, as always.



Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my heart back over.
I'm sure I won't need it anymore.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
My days of pain are over.
My rain refuses to pour.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my pen over.
I need to write of my core.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
My calm days are over.
For I haven't any words anymore.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my knife over.
It's time to end this war.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Innocence is over.
I hope you don't mind a little gore.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send an angel over.
I'm in need of salvation for sure.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
My life is over.
Death prevails once more.
Author:  Lady Dark Moon [ July 5th, 2008, 4:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
Very original premise. I love the irony and the morbid twist on what would normally be an innocent game.

One thing, though. A few of the beats are a bit off.
Quote:
Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send my heart back over.
I'm sure I won't need it anymore.

I'm sure I will need it no more?

Quote:
Red Rover, Red Rover,
My days of pain are over.
My rain refuses to pour.

I stumble over 'days of pain.' Try two-syllable synonym for pain... anguish? Turmoil?

Quote:
Red Rover, Red Rover,
Send an angel over.
I'm in need of salvation for sure.

Second line sounds like it's missing a syllable. Try 'send an angel right over'?

I think those are the ones that stuck out at me the most. Try tapping a beat on your desk and feeling out the rhythm.

Overall, unique idea :D
Author:  pip&leggyluvr [ July 6th, 2008, 11:23 am ]
Post subject: 
thanks for your input lady dark moon. i appreciate it. :)

i guess i dont think much about rhythm....i always read my poetry outloud to myself, but i read it like....a confession, if that makes any sense, so rhythm's not usually involved, but i can see where it would be more difficult for the reader to read. i'll def keep that in mind for future writings. thanks :)
Author:  Arya Undomiel [ July 6th, 2008, 5:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
Nice! It's great - it's unique and very well writen. The changes LDM suggested improved it too...

=keep up the great writing!=
Author:  pip&leggyluvr [ July 6th, 2008, 10:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
thanks :-D
Author:  Jax Nova [ July 8th, 2008, 11:42 am ]
Post subject: 
I must agree... quite unique. An interesting idea. :)

It's a nice peice as well. It makes me think and thats one thing I look for in poetry. :)
Author:  pip&leggyluvr [ July 8th, 2008, 4:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
be careful with that thinking, Jax.
not always a good thing. ;)
Author:  Jax Nova [ July 9th, 2008, 2:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
haha.... yes I know.
Author:  Nauriel Rochnur [ July 11th, 2008, 4:06 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ahhh, ahhhh! Chills!

Now whenever I play red rover (Yes, I am 18 and still play red rover) I will be thinking of this.

I really like LDM's suggestions. You have such a good premise, but the ryhme scheme is fairly well known, so its best to keep it to that ryhme.
Author:  pip&leggyluvr [ July 12th, 2008, 12:18 pm ]
Post subject: 
thanks :-D
Page 1 of 1 All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
http://www.phpbb.com/