A Long Expected Party

Bilbo: Fatty Bolger. Lovely to see you. Welcome, welcome.

Frodo: Go on Sam, ask Rosie for a dance.

Sam: I think I'll just have another ale.

Frodo: Oh no, you don't. Go on!

Bilbo: So there I was at the mercy of three monstrous trolls! And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us. Whether it be turned on a spit, or to sit on us one by and squash us into jelly. They spent so much time arguing the whithertos and the whyfors that the sun's first light crept over the top of the trees *poof* and turned them all to to stone!

Merry: Quickly!

Gandalf: Up they go!

Merry: No, no, the big one, big one!

Bilbo: Mrs. Bracegirdle, how nice to see you. Welcome, welcome. Are all these children yours? Good gracious, you have been productive.

Lobelia: Bilbo?

Bilbo: Sackville-Bagginses! Quickly, hide! Thank you, my boy. You're a good lad, Frodo. I'm very selfish, you know. Yes, I am. Very selfish. I don't know why I took you in after your mother and father died, but it wasn't out of charity. I think it was because, of all my numerous relations, you were the Baggins that showed real spirit.

Frodo: Bilbo, have you been at the Gaffer's home brew?

Bilbo: No. Well, yes, but that's not the point. The point is, Frodo...you'll be all right.

Pippin: Done!

Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground!

Pippin: It is in the ground!

Merry: Outside!

Pippin: This was your idea! [screams]

Frodo: Bilbo. Bilbo, watch out for the dragon!

Bilbo: Dragon? Nonsense, there hasn't been a dragon in these parts for a thousand years.

Merry: That was good.

Pippin: Let's get another one.

Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck. And Peregrin Took. I might have known.

Hobbits: Speech! Speech, Bilbo! Speech!

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks. Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, and Proudfoots!

Otto: Proudfeet!

Bilbo: Today is my 111th birthday!

Hobbits: Happy birthday!

Bilbo: But alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. I, um, I have things to do. I've put this off far too long. I regret to announce that this is the end. I'm going now. And I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye.

[disappears, hobbits search for him while he returns to Bag End]